I am just literally in the door from spending an evening in London where I experienced a series of both weird and wonderful connections…from the young girl in Costas who was as excited as I was that I could use my costa points for my flat white to my jolly cabbie who was concerned as to whether I was warm enough…and not forgetting some of the wonderful views London has to offer these days.
I was there because I enrolled on an online dating course. The two hour workshop ( probably shorter than my journey from the coast) was entitled “get better an online dating” and delivered by Susan Quillam, relationship psychologist and author of The Joy of Sex. The seminar was hosted at The School of Life, which is the equivalent of a credible self-help book set in a quirky shop in London, hosting a range of courses exploring the existential challenges we face in life.
Immediately I felt intrigued by what Susan had to say when she came over and introduced herself to everyone whilst we were schmoozing over wine and nibbles. She delicately introduced into our conversation how one of the biggest faux pars around online dating is this idea that we need to sell ourselves, rather than welcoming the other to our profile and creating the image of a relationship..as oppose to someone who likes to talk a lot about themselves!! How much more attractive would that be!
Through her engaging and compassionate delivery she appeared to lift the despondent online dating spirits in the room subtly emphasising the importance of being yourself online and doing it your way..whilst also pointing out some of the bad behaviours that we are all guilty of when “shopping” for our future spouse!
Shopping being one of the dangers…is the fact that she is not tall enough for you..or that he has receding hair really a relationship deal breaker? Maybe different expectations around children or valuing a causal relationship when you want something serious are more legitimate justifications for clicking on..And as my cab driver shared with me..”it’s all very well what they look like yet what happens when you leave the bedroom?!! He went on to tell me ( and he had no idea I had been on the course either) how it took his daughter to do something different in order to find her husband and break away from what she desired physically to other more meaningful characteristics and values. I love how the little gems of insight are in the places you least expect to find them 🙂
Another little gem from Susan came when I enquired about how difficult it can be to online date when there are so many rules about what we should do, should the woman be contacting, is it okay to wink, does the man need to take the lead? Her response which was so apt and freeing was, if you are going to try and play by the rules, then you are going to meet someone who plays by them too and this could create unhealthy dynamics in the relationship….the subtext here…if you want to message someone message them..and if they are interested in you then they will message back…if they are playing games..then you have had a lucky escape! Again…just be you and you will find others who are being themselves too….it may take about a year as you sieve through..yet it is the second most popular way that people are meeting in our busy culture so it can happen.
Other valuable messages from the seminar included, supporting your own resilience when online dating through nurturing strategies, such as taking a week out, having an online dating buddy to share your emotional ups and dumps with, allocating a certain amount of time to send messages and my favourite one which involves changing your attitude to focusing on the possible connections rather than assessing how that person is going to look standing beside you on the aisle…we have all done it!
So I not only came away with my hope for online dating restored..I connected with some lovely people on the way, spent time with beautiful London and had my favourite rules in life reinforced…Be yourself, do it your way, have fun and take care of yourself in the process!
Happy Clicking 🙂