The inspiration for my blogs often comes from themes in client work or something that I may be grappling with myself. This week I have taken a week off work to move house and said goodbye to my home after eight years.
It reminded me of the importance of saying goodbye and honouring the endings we experience in our lives…and how sometimes sadly we don’t get the opportunity, particularly when relationships end abruptly, people are taken from us without warning or life can just move on in different circles, involving transitions and endings.
As I sat with my girlfriends indulging homemade cake and fizz as part of the ending I created with my home, I was aware of the losses in the room being expressed indirectly. As friends we go through different phases of our lives through being single to getting married, having children gaining new jobs, moving home, and through encountering such experiences we lose aspects of ourselves or our experience with the other.
I remember when my dearest friend told me she was going to have her first baby and my delight for her and her new life path was coupled with my sadness at the loss of our time together as it was, and acknowledging that it may never be like that again.
What meaning do endings have?
How we experience endings will be very individual and informed by our early experience of how endings were and the way in which others managed the endings in our lives too. The younger you were when you experienced a traumatic parting, the greater potential for lasting harm. For example, if someone has lost a parent at an early age, through death or leaving the scene suddenly, just as they were beginning to explore the safe boundaries of the world, then naturally the expectation for future endings might be that they will have elements of abandonment, unresolved loss, anxiety and fear of intimacy with another, in case they too disappear like the original caregiver did. Alternatively if there has been a history of supported endings or strong consistent attachments then the person may embrace endings or pass through them with little struggle.
An ending can elicit emotion because it creates a sense of uncertainty, as with new beginnings. And any removal of certainty causes us to feel a loss. This is also experienced when clients are coming to therapy and changing within themselves and the fear of letting go of aspects of themselves, and who will they be without such parts and more importantly will others still love them?
Such fear then elicits anxious questioning such as, “Will I be able to cope on my own without this other person?” “Am I ready to move out?” “What will life be like when I am not here?” “Am I going to be missed?” “Who will I be if I let go of this aspect of myself?” “Will I still be desired, loved?”
Sometimes we have the privilege of saying goodbye and other times people are taken from us, or feel taken from us when a relationship ends in whatever way. However it has happened, it is important ( I believe) to accept how you feel and allow yourself to feel those feelings as part of the grieving process. Try to resist the temptation to force yourself to feel something that you are not truly feeling…even if he/she was an arse to you…you still have feelings for them! If you are angry, let yourself be, if you are sad, then feel sad, let your feelings flow. Uncertainty makes our egos feel unwell and the remedy is to find the certainty and security within yourself, knowing that whatever happens you have you..And you will be ok…as you and you are a great team!
All relationships deserve an ending..whether it is with your house, your friend, your mum, dad..yourself or the lost love…it is important for you that you can find a way to acknowledge the closing of that time that you had, the lost hope, the great memories, the things you didn’t get to do, the tears and the laughter. And your feelings are an acknowledgment of that relationship and how you felt being part of it and how you feel that it has come to an end..perhaps before you were ready.
What can be hard to accept is that endings are a part of life..and for every goodbye comes another hello. As human beings we are social creatures that thrive on interaction and therefore will create many connections into our lives that bring joy and sadness with them. Accepting that can feel a big ask at times..especially when you are in the depths of the grief and just want that person to return to you, especially when it has been a spiritual loss… and another good friend said to me once if you cannot accept that something has ended then give yourself permission to accept how you feel about it at least..take care of yourself through it and….the rest will come 🙂
I felt sad to leave my house and the memories that I had created in it..and therefore I wanted to cherish the ending with my most gorgeous friends and family and good cake and fizz!
How will you acknowledge the endings in your life? In what ways can you cherish them? What did the relationship offer you..even though it may not have ended the way you hoped? Who are you now as a result of that exchange? How can you acknowledge the evolving change in you? What are you letting go of and how can you take care of yourself in the process by recognising the endings you are going through and the impact that it may be having on various parts of you and your life.
As I say goodbye to this post I want to pledge a big cheerio to the last chapter in my life and the wonderful people that have been part of creating it with me and a jolly howdy to the next one..to the possibilities, hope and exciting connections yet to come! 🙂