Don’t you just hate that when you bump into someone that you haven’t seen for years and the first thing they ask you is..Married? or my favourite one..Still single? Like this is the only valuable credential that we might hold as human beings!
It certainly illustrates that as a society we do place an enormous emphasis on being in a relationship; achieving certain goals in relationships by certain ages, such as being married and then having children.
So why do we get defensive? Well naturally because the still single? Implies a judgment that we “should” be in a relationship…I think someone once asked me “still on your own?” Mmm no actually I am surrounded by lots of people that love me..Are we not all on our own ultimately and living a single existence? The question does seem to imply that being single is a bad thing. Being single is NOT a bad thing. There are plenty of dysfunctional relationships and marriages, trust me.
I think the reason we also feel defensive is that it also touches on the inevitable pain we feel at times that this is how it is. You are happy in your life most of the time and naturally there are times when it would feel good to have someone else there. My theory is…and may be helpful to think of it in this way…people in relationships who ask the question are intrigued because the single person’s life is often deemed the most exciting and interesting, due to its unpredictable and social nature. The questions are often spurred by pure curiosity, not in an attempt to embarrass you. Most people are bored and they think you must have something going on. Not a bad thing..play that up ( if you want!!). or they are asking out of concern for you and your happiness. Another theory is that they would feel empty and incomplete without a relationship so its their disbelief that you are looking so fantastic and loving life…yes you are!
I was chatting with a lovely friend of mine today about what I was going to blog about..and she said “you could blog about the importance of kissing toads” What I heard was..” the importance of kissing toes.” Well it certainly made us laugh..right to our bellies! And perhaps laughing and taking a lighter approach to such questions is really important. “ No grandma, no-one special yet, but a few special ones that I am deciding between!” or “I was seeing someone yet they didn’t like me kissing their toes” ha ha! Keep it light and move on J
Try not to let the label that our culture places on people who are not in relationships define you. Maybe be honest with yourself, what is it that really bothers you, is it something to do with how you feel about being on your own, or the interference from your aunt mavis?! If you can dig deep inside and understand this then you can address it within yourself separately and future questioning will feel easier and you will understand what is happening for you.
You are on a journey and as part of that journey completing your research…which involves kissing a lot of toads on the way..women are toads too men!
As previous blogs have alluded, everyone is looking for their shining consort, the Prince or Princess Charming with whom to spend their happily ever after. But so few people know what to look for in a partner that they end up completely disillusioned and broken-hearted. Happiness in marriage becomes a myth or a Utopian ideal that no one really expects to achieve.
Half the time we haven’t thought about what we are looking for! As part of your research, have fun with it…with a friend work out what it really is that you are looking for and what you are not willing to compromise on. This will give you a sense of what your values are in relationships, what is important to you and also what you are willing to give.
A way to get you started is to offer you the game I play with my lovely friend..He or she is a toad if…
You’re friend asks you…is she a toad if she smokes? Yes/no
Or…is he a toad if he only wants to see you during the week? Yes/no
Is she a toad if she wants to see other people? Yes/no
You get the rhythm..It’s a light hearted way of working out exactly what you want and you will be surprised what you are not willing to compromise on..Christmas was one of mine!
This list doesn’t need to be exhaustive. Each person has their own standards, their own core beliefs about what makes a person a potential partner. Success in love lies in identifying those standards and expectations before you enter into relationships or set out to find romance. Add whatever criteria you like to your own list; your relationship will be so much the better for it.
Frogs only turn into princes in fairy tales. In real life, they just stay frogs. If you know what you’re looking for, and know what you, personally, must avoid to be happy, you can find your royal consort without ever having to go near the swamp again.