I remember as I sat opposite him, four months after the break-up…from which I thought my heart would never recover….finally seeing the person in front of me. I had spent our relationship, albeit very short convincing myself that certain characteristics that at the end were irritating were his most endearing qualities and ultimately I saw him as who I wanted him to be rather than who he was.
Sigmund Freud supported us to understand what is happening when that stranger we have just met is transformed into the most perfect human being on earth. “Projection” is when we put what is inside us onto the outside. For example we do not see certain feelings, experiences, characteristics as belonging to us, yet locate them with another. This happens with negative characteristics that we don’t want to acknowledge and we hold the other responsible as a way of defending or protecting ourselves from seeing aspects of ourselves which we do not want to confront. When falling in love, we are placing positive projections onto the other. In their company, we feel the best possible versions of ourselves, and because it is in their company that we feel so lifted, we can find ourselves saying things like “I feel amazing when I am with you” or “you make me whole” or “I can be who I want to be when I am with you” Of course this is further fuelled by the activity in our brains which is firing off a whole bunch of neurotransmitters, creating a feeling of well-being, wholeness and happiness.
I was watching the BBC drama last night 7.39. A male and female both in other relationships meet on the 7.39 train. They both have anxieties and disappointments in their lives and their meeting results in a love affair. This is a good example of projection, hoping that the other will bring something that remains unfulfilled. The man sees in the beautiful young woman, the embodiment of what he has repressed for so many years, his feminine side. He looks for on the outside, what can only be really answered from within and as the drama demonstrated usually with disastrous consequences.
I believe that if we look a little deeper then what is happening is that we are projecting onto our new friend all the unclaimed positive aspects within ourselves. What we feel is missing within ourselves is what we appear to see in the other, hence the feeling of completeness. This is not to take away the magic and excitement of the experience, yet supports us to understand its deeper meaning. If we can recognise our projections and take ownership of them bring them to life within us, then we can begin to create a sense of internal wholeness, learn to validate and appreciate our own positive and shadow qualities and not place the burden of totality on the other. The relationship offers complementarity rather than completeness. The risk is that as in my experience the things that we are seeing as loveable initially will become the things that you despise- and we can feel tricked- this person is not who they said they were- of course we all show our most positive qualities too when starting out in relationships- and also where is our responsibility in seeing what we want to and discounting what we don’t want to see?
If not too damaging or destructive, projection can offer value if we are able to take those aspects back for ourselves, and we can thank the person for showing us these qualities.. and if we found them attractive in the other, then what is standing in the way of you appreciating and loving those qualities within?
Have a think. What is you find attractive in the other? Are you acknowledging and celebrating those qualities within yourself? What are the shadow aspects…the traits or characteristics that you are not comfortable within yourself- which you may be projecting onto others..and become the source of disappointment and hurt within the relationship or friendships too?
Have a lovely Valentine’s day…X