You cannot re-build a city when it’s still under attack or bombardment, but only when the attacks stop and the peace prevails. Our relationship with ourselves is like this too. When we stop putting ourselves down or attacking ourselves, and accept who we are for all our imperfections and vulnerabilities then we can really heal and re-build ourselves.
When I work with people I try and support the facilitation of compassion by looking back at the child you once were. After all, you didn’t get to choose your parents, your economic hardships, the emotional endeavours that were transferred onto you from others or your body type. Recognising that you had to play the hand that was dealt to you in the best way you knew how to survive, can be the first step towards showing yourself more warmth, kindness and forgiveness.
The next step is to think of yourself as the hurt child you were, running up to the adult you are now, looking for answers or a hug…would you shout at her, tell him that he should be working harder, doing better…or would you embrace him/her? The adult in you deserves that level of compassion too, as often the defences, or protective parts we put in place to defend against that early pain often stop us showing ourselves the compassion we need…and yet we long for it from others, or wouldn’t tolerate others treating us the way we treat ourselves…why…because you don’t deserve it and know that it’s not OK.
We learn how to be with ourselves from the key people around us, and those people learned that from others around them too. Therefore the critic has no doubt been internalised and has probably played a very valuable role in looking after you in an environment where the critic was needed or valued. Trying to meet your critic and asking the question ” what is that part of you afraid would happen if it didn’t criticise you in that way” helps us understand its intention for you and the reasons why it was developed in the first place. Does it still need to protect you in this way now? Or have things changed, a bit safer…or is it possible to support yourself in a different way…does the critic help you get stuff done and fear you won’t do anything if it stepped back…can you get stuff done with gentle encouragement instead? The irony is you would probably get more done, and things that you want to do as its on your gentle terms AND you are not plumming yourself down in the process.
Showing kindness to yourself and meeting yourself with an open heart, is so important during life’s rough patches. Instead we can sometimes meet ourselves with a catalogue of “shoulds” “Must dos” “Could haves” That potentially hold a lot of fear underneath of not being good enough as we are. In a study of people going through divorce, those who were self -compassionate at the beginning of the process, reported doing so much better than those who had criticised themselves initially for things like not being attractive enough.
Self- compassion releases oxytocin into the brain, which is the love bonding chemical, and activates aspects of the brain that are triggered when we are empathic and express compassion towards others. Self- criticism on the other hand triggers the fight or flight system, the amygdala, therefore an already tough time becomes increasingly more stressful.
Am I kidding myself by being self -compassionate? No, not at all, self-compassion doesn’t mean abdicating responsibility. It means approaching that responsibility with love, care and humility….in other words ( sorry, psychology speak!) if you have made a mistake or been unkind…then join the other 800 million of us, as that is all part of being human.
One of the key messages I impress to people is that you always have your intention in life and no one can ever take that away from you. If you are intending to be good and be kind and that’s misinterpreted then that’s out of your control, yet doesn’t change what your intention was. If you are intending to hurt, be cruel, ruin someone’s day, what’s the hurt underneath your intention? We all do things for a reason or in a way to try and express something and digging a bit deeper and being honest and looking through a lens of understanding as oppose to criticism can help us reveal our true intention.
When we struggle to find compassion for ourselves, we can be really unforgiving, the world feels equally as unforgiving and therefore, failing feels crippling.
Compassion gives us the freedom to re-create ourselves, re-shift the focus to another opportunity, to bounce up, and the freedom to fail, which then provides the courage to take risks and be truly creative in support of our dreams and happiness.
Try putting a hand over your heart and saying to yourself “I am doing my best right now” how does that feel? If the critic emerges, just remember that part of you is probably scared too and needs understanding and care in order to feel a little safer inside. Practicing self compassion takes time and commitment, in order for your system to begin to trust that there can be another way…..Rome wasn’t built in a day 🙂
Take care,
Cx