You cannot re-build a city when it’s still under attack or bombardment, but only when the attacks stop and the peace prevails. Our relationship with ourselves is like this too. When we stop putting ourselves down or attacking ourselves, and accept who we are for all our imperfections and vulnerabilities then we can really heal and re-build ourselves.
When I work with people I try and support the facilitation of compassion by looking back at the child you once were. After all, you didn’t get to choose your parents, your economic hardships, the emotional endeavours that were transferred onto you from others or your body type. Recognising that you had to play the hand that was dealt to you in the best way you knew how to survive, can be the first step towards showing yourself more warmth, kindness and forgiveness.
The next step is to think of yourself as the hurt child you were, running up to the adult you are now, looking for answers or a hug…would you shout at her, tell her that she should be working harder, doing better…or would you embrace her? The adult in you deserves that level of compassion too, as often the defences, or protective parts we put in place to defend against that early pain often stop us showing ourselves the compassion we need…and yet we long for it from others, or wouldn’t tolerate others treating us the way we treat ourselves…why…because you don’t deserve it and know that it’s wrong.
Showing kindness to yourself and meeting yourself with an open heart, is so important during life’s rough patches, like during a global pandemic for example. Instead we can sometimes meet ourselves with a catalogue of “shoulds” “Must dos” “Could haves” That potentially hold a lot of fear underneath of not being good enough as we are. In a study of people going through divorce, those who were self -compassionate at the beginning of the process, reported doing so much better than those who had criticised themselves initially for things like not being attractive enough.
Self- compassion releases oxytocin into the brain, which is the love bonding chemical, and activates aspects of the brain that are triggered when we are empathic and express compassion towards others. Self- criticism on the other hand triggers the fight or flight system, the amygdala, therefore an already tough time becomes increasingly more stressful.
Am I kidding myself by being self -compassionate? No, not at all, self-compassion doesn’t mean abdicating responsibility. It means approaching that responsibility with love, care and humility….in other words ( sorry, psychology speak!) if you have made a mistake or been unkind…then join the other 800 million of us, as that is all part of being human.
One of the key messages I impress to people is that you always have your intention in life and no one can ever take that away from you. If you are intending to be good and be kind and that’s misinterpreted then that’s out of your control, yet doesn’t change what your intention was. If you are intending to hurt, be cruel, ruin someone’s day, what’s the hurt underneath your intention? We all do things for a reason or in a way to try and express something and digging a bit deeper and being honest with ourselves can help us reveal our true intention. You also cannot really have self-compassion without facing the truth about what you are really feeling, what’s going on for you and who you really are. When we struggle to find compassion for ourselves, we can be really unforgiving, the world feels equally as unforgiving and therefore, failing feels crippling.
Compassion gives us the freedom to re-create ourselves, re-shift the focus to another opportunity, to bounce up, and the freedom to fail, which then provides the courage to take risks and be truly creative in support of our dreams and happiness.
Put a hand over your heart and try saying to yourself “I am doing my best right now” how does that feel?
Take care,
Cx