How often do you find yourself saying “he said this” she said that” “ it’s his fault this happened” “its her fault it didn’t go the way I planned” “He didn’t call” “ She always makes me do this” Often?
Well understandably in a way as it begins in the playground and our adult experiences can often feel like we are back being a five year old or a teenager again so we resort to similar behaviours…those that we know and those that we have seen others doing around us.
Blaming can feel a safe alternative to looking at ourselves, our part in what happened, why we allowed that person to treat us in that way, say those words to us..again and again…and even though it might feel safe on the one hand…with the other it is keeping you trapped…a prisoner to your own self denial and long term dissappointment as a result of waiting for others to behave in the way you want them to and getting angry at them when they don’t… or yourself if you engage in self-blame.
I was lucky enough to have a friend who showed me the gift of responsibility..even though at the time it felt like a slap in the face..it was a step towards freedom and being able to take control of my own life, rather than feeling victim to other people’s behaviours and actions. I was moaning to a friend about how awful an ex had been…playing the poor me card hoping for the sympathy speech and instead she just simply asked: “why did you allow him to treat you like that for so long?” The fourth word in was like a wet fish across my face…er the implication that I had played a part in what had happened…we had created that dynamic together…we were both responsible…and therefore if I wanted things to be different in the future then I needed to understand why and what I allowed and take steps towards something different.
Sounds so easy…yet moving towards something different can feel incredibly frightening. Fear and blame get on very well with one another and I’m sure could live a very long and limited life together. Even though dissatisfied, we know ourselves and to look closer with a real honest pair of spectacles can feel scary..as we may not like what we see…and more to the point…do we fear that others will not like us either? its easier to blame the friend for continually “making” you do things that you don’t want to do rather than tell her what you fancy doing for fear of what she might think of you. Easier to bitch ( and yes men you do bitch too) about the boss you cannot bear at work, rather than confront him with your challenges and take responsibility for doing something about it.
Is responsibility not the same as blame? Put simply…no. Blame is loaded with different emotions to responsibility…usually anger and as mentioned fear too. Yet like any emotion, it is a signal that something is happening for you that is asking for your attention. So after reading this…try not to blame yourself for blaming…chances are you have been frightened, angry or avoiding seeing something in yourself that is painful or difficult to acknowledge. More often than not, when we are blaming someone else for something it is a trait or characteristic or emotion that we don’t want to admit within ourselves…and sometimes we are angry at the other person for bringing it to our attention!
Responsibility is different as it is about ownership…acknowledging whose has played their part and how, in a way that encourages a resolution. Responsibility uses the word “I” whereas blame is often “you”. Mixed into responsibility (for me anyway) is also compassion and care…so it’s not about using “I “and subtly still blaming yourself…it comes from a caring and understanding place towards yourself that also invites a resolution inside you. And its not all your doing so resist the desire to over-take resonsibility too…this is variation on blame!
Blame provides an illusion of safety… a well known zone of comfort..whilst at the same time fosters the difficult emotions that it breeds…denies the real you, can cloud your perception of the other and withholds your freedom to live your life for you rather than others.
Blame can also come from unrealistic expectations that we place on others…was it fair to expect that from them…were they capable of meeting such demands…had you clearly articulated what you needed? Again be kind to yourself, the expectation and disappointment is a sign of what your longing for, what you need…it may not be realistic or possible from that person..yet it is still your need that needs your attention not anyone else’s.
I think the first step is listening to yourself, if you catch yourself blaming..what is the blaming telling you about what is going on for you…what are you hoping others will do for you that you are not able to do for yourself? What is your disappointment in the other really about…something you hoped for? What are you afraid of? How likely will it be that your fears willl be realised..Very likely? Then what do you need to put in place to take care of yourself? …..
…And if you are not ready to hear…then just let yourself be whilst at the same time giving yourself a hug and being your own best friend.