Explain to children and young people what’s happening when they feel anxious
It can be really useful to know what they are going through and why they are feeling what they are feeling.
A suggested way of explaining might go like this:
Four important points to communicate to your child:
- Anxiety is normal. Everyone experiences anxiety at times. For example, it is normal to feel anxious when on a rollercoaster, or before a test. Some teens may appreciate some facts about how common anxiety problems are. For example, “Did you know that one-in-seven children under 18 will suffer from a real problem with anxiety?”
- Anxiety is not dangerous. Though anxiety may feel uncomfortable, it doesn’t last long, is temporary, and will eventually decrease! Also, most people cannot tell when you are anxious (except those close to you such as your parents).
- Anxiety is adaptive. Anxiety helps us prepare for real danger (such as a bear confronting us in the woods) or for performing at our best (for example, it helps us get ready for a big game or speech). When we experience anxiety, it triggers our “fight-flight-freeze” response and prepares our bodies to defend themselves. For instance, our heart beats faster to pump blood to our muscles so we have the energy to run away or fight off danger. When we freeze, we may not be noticed, allowing the danger to pass. This response is also called “anxious arousal”. Without anxiety, humans would not have survived as a species!
How you can explain the Fight-Flight-Freeze response to a child:
“Imagine you are hiking in the woods and you come across a bear. What is the first thing you would do? You may run away from the bear, or you may simply freeze. Another reaction is to yell and wave your arms to appear big and scary. There are three ways humans react to danger: fight, flee, or freeze. When we are anxious, we react in one of these ways, too. We may run away or avoid situations that make us anxious. Or we may freeze, such as when our minds go blank and we can’t think clearly. Or we may fight, get angry and lash out at people. Can you think of some ways you may fight, flee, or freeze because of anxious feelings?”
How to explain “anxious arousal” to a teenager:
Sometimes when we sense something is dangerous or threatening, we automatically go into a state called “anxious arousal”. This can happen when there is a real danger, but also when something simply feels dangerous, but really isn’t, such as giving an oral presentation in class, or…(give an example of something relevant to your child). Anxious arousal makes you feel jittery, on edge, and uncomfortable. It may also make it hard to think clearly. This feeling can become overwhelming enough that anxious people stop doing things or going places that make them feel anxious. Do you think this is happening to you?
Anxiety can become a problem when our body reacts as if in danger in the absence of real danger. A good analogy is that it’s like the body’s smoke alarm.
How you can explain the “smoke alarm” response:
“An alarm can help protect us when there is an actual fire, but sometimes a smoke alarm is too sensitive and goes off when there isn’t really a fire (e.g. burning toast in toaster). Like a smoke alarm, anxiety is helpful when it works right. But when it goes off when there is no real danger, then we may want to fix it.”
More about How Anxiety “Works”
Explain to your child the three parts of anxiety: thoughts (what we say to ourselves); physical feelings (how our body responds); and behaviours (what we do or our actions).
Physical Feelings
e.g. Tummy ache, headache, heart racing
Behaviours Thoughts
e.g. Finding mom, staying home from school e.g. “What if mom doesn’t come home?”
Helping Your Child Recognize Anxiety
For younger children, talk about how you will both be “detectives”, and how you will help your child in an “investigation” to find out more about anxiety. As detectives, find examples of how your child experiences anxiety in each of the three parts: physical symptoms, anxious thoughts, and avoidance behaviours.
Being a Detective: Recognizing Physical Symptoms
To help your child recognize physical symptoms, draw a sketch of a body and ask your child to identify where he or she feels anxiety in the body. Prompt your child, if necessary, with an example: “When I feel anxious, I get butterflies in my tummy, and I get a big lump in my throat. What happens when you feel anxious?” Have your child lie down on a large piece of paper (e.g. butcher’s paper) and trace his or her body. You can also print and fill out Chester the Cat for young children, ( at the back of this booklet) and Where’s Anxiety in my Body? ( at the back too) for older children. Teenagers may rather just talk about it or identify their own symptoms from a list of “typical” physical symptoms.
If age-appropriate, ask your child to come up with a name for anxiety (e.g. Mr. Worry, Worry Monsters). Refer to your child’s anxiety with this new name, particularly in terms of “bossing back” anxiety (e.g. “It’s just the worry monster talking. I don’t have to listen!”).
Older children or teens may respond better to a music analogy, such as that the volume of their anxiety is “turned up” a bit louder than other kids. They simply need to learn to turn down the volume.
These strategies help your child adopt an observer role when dealing with anxiety, giving them a greater sense of control.
( Thanks to @ Anxiety Canada for this section)